“Please Find the Attached:”
I write that phrase a couple times a week and I always feel like I should add more to it but it seems to serve the purpose of the email. Today I was wrapping up some work as I was thinking about the phone call I had just received from my doctor about two upcoming surgeries. “Please find the attached” were the only words in the email as I hit send.
As some of you know, I have spent quite a few years struggling with addictions. These addictions took me to a very dark place in life and resulted in morbid obesity, a fentanyl addiction, along with alcoholism. Thankfully, I am no longer addicted to drugs and alcohol, and I am no longer morbidly obese, and my heart is so grateful. However, I still struggle with many of the mechanisms that took me to that dark place. Sure, I am more aware of the signs to look for and I can recognize when I need a slight course correction but that obsession to “go all in” at any cost will probably be with me until I draw my last breath. I am very passionate when it comes to learning about addiction not only for myself, but so I can help other people that are struggling.
I have always had trouble understanding addiction. In fact, the more I read, learn, and contemplate the less I really understand about why folks become addicted and why they are willing to die a slow and steady death that is induced on a daily basis by their very own hand. Oddly enough many would consider me an expert in addiction because I am really good at becoming addicted and I have torn up my life and many lives around me by my addictive behaviors and manipulating lies. As my life transformed, I started becoming obsessed with healthy food and fitness. I’ve had friends and family accuse me of just trading addictions and I have always defended myself and justified it by helping people understand that fitness and healthy food do not destroy your life or the lives of your loved ones. I still stand by that idea but maybe they were on to something.
I don’t believe I traded addictions, but I do believe I traded “attachments.” Right now, as I am typing there are hundreds of medals, awards, and trophies within a few feet of my desk. I became obsessed with chasing down medals and accomplishments. I mean, I worked hard, and I have come a long way so why not celebrate that? If I am really honest with myself, I ended up attaching myself to my accomplishments sort of like I used to attach myself to food, drugs, and alcohol. It’s a process but I am learning that “things,” whether they are drugs or accomplishments, do not define who we are. For me, drugs were just the final manifestation of a seemingly hopeless internal struggle, and the truth is that the medals that hang behind me are also just the final manifestation of a struggle.
"You are much more than your accomplishments!"
It took a while to finally admit to myself that I was indeed attached to my accomplishments. Those medals made me who I was. I was chatting with a friend about me not having the ability to run as we were both nursing injuries. He didn’t pull any punches. He asked point blank, “what if you can never run again, can you be okay with that?” Of course, I fluffed it off and assured him I would be just fine. The idea of never running again has become a very real possibility over the past year. I am not saying I won’t try fiercely to get back on the trails, but I am honestly fine either way. I feel a real peace about it and I believe it is a direct result of breaking that attachment for my accomplishments, I am sure time has been a big factor as well.
At the end of the day, we should be proud of our accomplishments, but we must remember they don’t make us who we are. It’s all about the journey as we learn and grow. You are much more than your accomplishments! Success and failure are great teaching tools but what defines us is our passion to make ourselves and the world around us a better place.
I am convinced that each and every one of us is here for a purpose. That purpose and passion is far better than any chunk of metal on a ribbon.
Through the years, I’ve experienced that what we give has far more value than what we get.
The very thought that I can find value in how much effort I put into something instead of a label, statistic, or bling at a finish line makes me feel free and that freedom makes me want to work hard for a more noble cause to better myself.
I have spent many years chasing “attachments” to add value or material to my life. Nothing can compare to the wonderful feeling of accepting and loving myself regardless of wins or losses, and successes or failures. It’s a sort of no-strings-attached relationship with me.
So at the end of the day, if I can walk, I will, if I can run, I will, but if not I’m gonna do just fine because I am more than my accomplishments and I have a heart full of happiness and joy, with trophies or without.
Let’s cut the strings and focus on making the world a better place. Learning to find happiness regardless of environment or accomplishment is a skill that I will keep working on. I will continue to “find the attachment.” How about you?
